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Strange thought

October 22, 2007

My (birth) mom’s birthday was yesterday. If she were still alive, she would now be 48 years old. The strange part that I’m having some trouble wrapping my mind around is that she died when she was 24.

So with yesterday being her would-be 48th birthday, she has been gone now (unofficially, since she didn’t die on her 24th birthday) for as long as she was alive.

It’s a hard thing for me to grasp, but it does seem significant in my mind. She’s been gone for as long as she was here. Pretty soon, she will have been gone longer than she was here.

This has been a weird year for me. In February, I reached a milestone age, living longer than my mom ever did. I’m still trying to grasp that idea.

Yet I still continue to live my life planning and putting off things for the future. What future? How do I know there will be one? I don’t.

Thinking so much about how there are no guarantees for a next year, next month or even a tomorrow has been what’s finally given me the motivation to be a more healthy me. I’ve started moving more and eating better. I’m hopeful the motivation sticks and eventually pays off.

I’m trying really hard to live for today and only for today, but it seems our society thrives on future plans. Think about it. How much of your life depends on there being a tomorrow? It spans anywhere from TiVo to house decisions based on resale potential to savings accounts.

This probably why I love the RENT song “No Day But Today” and also why I’m so drawn to getting a tattoo that reads “carpe diem.” The irony, though, is that I’m not seizing the day and getting it done. I’m waiting for “the right time.”

When, though, is the right time for all these future plans? Like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

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