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Tasty drink, sick joke

October 28, 2009
tags: ,

Part One: Tasty Drink

In case you haven’t caught on during the eleventy hundred times I’ve mentioned it, I’ve cut way back on foods high on the glycemic index. Sugar. Potatoes. Starbucks PSLs. Potatoes. Ice cream. POTATOES.

I know – I KNOW – there are several sugar-free drinks at Starbucks. Too bad I’m a sweet ass on a tight budget.

Target and Starbucks must love me because I spied a wonderful new (to me, OK? I’m not aware of how long they’ve been around) thing. Starbucks Mocha Lite in bottles. A heavenly light shone down from above, a chorus of angels sang out. It was magical.

The label says “sweetened with Splenda” rather than “sugar-free,” (and there are 11g of sugars in it), and it has a bit of that funky, fake-sugar taste, but I’ll take the 11g of sugars and 12g of carbs over the regular bottled version’s 31g of sugars and 33g of carbs.

Now I’m on the lookout for coupons and sales to sweeten the deal.

Part Two: Sick Joke

My belly is bloated. My boobs are bigger. I’m tired. I’m not really hungry.

Pregnancy symptoms? Sure!

Side effects of the Ovidrel trigger shot? Yep!

PMS symptoms? That, too!

Those symptoms are part of the lovely bag of surprises that is my life right now. I can’t try to get to the bottom of the case by peeing on a stick (or 10) because, guess what!, the pregnancy hormones that make up Ovidrel will return a positive result whether I’m actually pregnant or not.

I can’t even compare it with PMS symptoms of the past because I HAVEN’T HAD PMS. I’ve had “my monthlies” courtesy of birth control and progesterone prescriptions.

I am not a patient person, Internet. My grandma used to tell me patience was a virtue, and I used to respond with, “Yes. One I don’t have.”

But there are no other options. Patience, you win this round. Suck it.

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