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Facing the suck

January 4, 2010

Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.

Bloodwork today backs up yesterday’s negative home pregnancy test. This cycle was a bust.

To add insult to injury, I’m also apparently going insane because I had several phantom symptoms, most notably occasionally frequent (don’t ask) nausea when I ate. The thought of possible delusions or anxiety just makes me laugh – it was obviously something, and I’m not sick or pregnant, so take your pick.

As you can probably tell, my current mood is set to bitter and creeping up to angry. I’m angry with my body, and I’m angry at the world. I’m angry that I feel so helpless and sad. I’m angry that I gave into confidence and optimism rather than sticking with realistically hopeful, and I’m angry when others try to cheer me up with “You’ll get ’em next time, Tiger.”

I’m not even sure I still find comfort in the fact that we were successful once – if only for a short time.

*****pause for a quick visit with the RE to discuss what’s next*****

I could have trashed this draft entirely and started a new, post-RE-visit entry, but I like honesty. I intended to document my red feelings today, to show that Yes, Virginia, there is anger. I’ve cooled down since starting this, but the idea of starting fresh leaves a bad taste in my mouth, which makes me angry. You don’t want me to go back there, do you? DO YOU?

I thought not.

So, where were we?

Oh, right. I’m back from the RE and no longer angry.

Maybe the 30-minute drive each way got it out of my system (I channeled my anger into yelling (in the sanctuary of my car, directed at no one but the imaginary Hate Elf on my dash) at stupid drivers). Maybe it’s the feeling of onward and upward that is hard to deny with a new plan.

Either way, I’m not angry, and we have a new plan.

Once my next cycle starts, I’m starting birth control.

“But, isn’t that counter-productive?”

For the next cycle, yes.

I wonder if I missed my calling as a doctor because the reason behind the decision is actually one I’ve pondered and intended to ask my RE about at today’s appointment.

I ovulated and had two perfectly normal cycles directly after I quit taking birth control back in December of 2008. I thought that was interesting but had no medical expertise to back up my theory of birth control hormones somehow helping my body (other than keeping me a sane person with the correct sanity-inducing hormones). In fact, I thought it’d be a cheap way to TTC if we exhaust our insurance coverage and fail to win the lottery before successfully making a baby.

Long, jargon-filled story short, my body has its own wacky idea of the level of hormones it should produce. Suppressing my body’s own production of hormones using birth control for one cycle *should* set me up for better ovulation by temporarily resetting my body’s idea of hormone production.

To put it simply, the birth control will theoretically confuse my body, allowing the medication I start on the next cycle to trick my body into functioning as it’s supposed to. It’s almost like we’re trying to put a halt to the revolution my hormones have launched and get them back under a dictatorship.

Are you confused yet? I’m starting to confuse myself.

This seems like a good time to break for some disco inferno dancing. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Read the Georgia Nicolson books by Louise Rennison and thank me later.

Back to the task at hand, the new plan:

One cycle of birth control
One cycle of medicated TTC (same song and dance we’ve done already)
One cycle of birth control
One cycle of medicated TTC

From there, we’ll either consider changing the medication or going onto IVF (after we win the lottery, of course).

I can’t think about what will happen if this new chapter of our TTC journey doesn’t work. IVF is something we can’t yet financially dream of, so it’s rather a moo point. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

As for the new plan, I feel good about it. My upcoming cycle on birth control is disappointing on one hand. On the other, it seems like a vacation. I know my body does well on birth control, and we honestly could use a break from the stress of ultrasounds, blood draws, medications, co-pays, timing, etc. Plus, my two picture-perfect cycles after coming off birth control are somewhat reassuring. Perhaps my body just needs a distraction from its loony ways to get its act together.

Oh, fuck. Here I go, being all confident and stuff again. Someone make it stop.

p.s. I meant to touch on my inability to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but the sorrows were shot down by a mystery sniper. Someday I’ll talk about this, but I don’t want to go back there today. Remind me later, mkay?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. mered19 permalink
    January 4, 2010 10:00 pm

    Hey Jenny … I just wanted to say that I started having phantom symptoms after TTC awhile as well. It was so disturbing, b/c I NEVER had them (unless of course, I was pregnant that cycle), and then WHAM I got them all the time. Talk about deceiving! Hang in there friend … you will shortly get to experience those symptoms but for a very small wonderful reason – that little baby you’ll have growing!

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