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I apologize

January 13, 2010

I apologize to all the women I unfairly judged in the past, most notably the ones who suffered an early pregnancy loss before my pea brain’s cutoff date deemed it worthy of their ongoing pain.

I’d be lying if I painted myself in a picture of utter despair and sadness. Mostly, I’m OK.

It’s weird. The sadness I feel is pretty selfish. I’m not really sad about the embryo that didn’t get a chance to graduate to fetus status. That embryo was probably doomed from the start, and there was something obviously not right with the pregnancy.

I’m sad for myself, my husband and our loved ones.

I don’t mourn the loss of a baby. I mourn the chance we lost at becoming parents. I mourn the fact that I’m not currently teetering between the first and second trimester of my first pregnancy. Sometimes it’s a passing case of the blues. Sometimes the sadness chokes me and forces tears from my eyes.

I know, it’s selfish. It’s horrible that it’s taken this to give me the compassion others truly deserve. I’m sure it’s infinitely more difficult to lose a baby the longer you get to know him or her, with countless dreams and expectations.

But early loss sucks in its own right, and I was wrong in the past to question how these hurt women could actually mourn something that hardly ever was.

For that, I am truly sorry.

I thought I had already learned that it’s impossible to judge another person’s pain based on my own expectations and experiences.

I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I’m sure I’ll learn this lesson again, in some different way, in the future. Life’s most important lessons seem to have graduating levels like university courses.

I’ll consider this Compassion 385.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. katiescarlett permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:46 am

    You are awesome.

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