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‘It’s a hormonal issue.’

February 9, 2010

If you’ve been in a mall anytime in the last five years, I’m sure you’re well aware of the annoying people who pass out lotion samples in condiment cups.

I’ve never taken a sample from them and usually try to dodge them, as I’m neither interested in their products nor their leg-humping sales pitch.

Sometimes I smile and keep walking. Sometimes I say, “No, thank you.” Sometimes I completely ignore them. Sometimes I pretend to be on the phone.


I went with fear.

The gentleman (with a suspicious Eastern European accent – really, do they employ the whole region? There can’t really be that many people from Eastern Europe available to sell lotion in Charlotte, NC) who thrust out his ketchup cup of lotion didn’t stop offering it after I said, “No, thanks.” Instead, he went for a different tactic that didn’t work out so well for him.

Salesman: What products do you use to clean your face? I notice you have some *motions to the area on his face that matches where the zits are on mine* …

I had gotten a good 10 feet past him by then, but I came to a screeching halt.

I whip around and say: I don’t waste time on any special products because it’s hormonal.

Salesman: So, do you use Proactiv?

Me: No. I don’t use anything special because it isn’t a problem with my skin – it’s caused by a hormonal problem.

Salesman: Hormonal … like … ?? (He looks super confused.)

Me: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. *smug smirk*

As soon as I say, “ovarian,” I see the “Retreat! Retreat! Code Red! Code Red!” alarm buzzing in his head. This makes me happy.

Salesman: Sooooo … sometimes you’re angry … and sometimes you’re OK?

Me: Yes. And sometimes my face is a mess – like now (I gesture at the zits he pointed out) – and sometimes it’s completely clear.

Salesman: But, you aren’t angry right now, right? You are OK?

He reaches out a tentative hand, which I accept and shake.

Me: Yes. I’m fine today.

Salesman: OK. Have a nice day.

Me: Thanks! You, too!

I walk away with a nice bounce in my step.

Hey, Mister! How about you not point out zits to a woman who innocently rushes past your kiosk? It was obvious I didn’t want to talk to you, so you decided to throw in a gut punch to see if I’m a masochist and would like some more please? What the hell kind of sales tactic is that? I hope you feel sufficiently violated by my use of Girly Words like Ovarian and Hormonal.

Tra la!

7 Comments leave one →
  1. February 9, 2010 7:25 pm

    Ugh. What an ass!

  2. February 9, 2010 7:28 pm

    Once one of them told my grandmother she had old, wrinkled hands as we were walking past his kiosk. Thankfully she didn’t hear him and I gave him the stink eye then shuffled her away as quickly as possible.

    Good for you for standing up for yourself! Hopefully he learned his lesson today.

  3. speed permalink
    February 9, 2010 7:30 pm

    “Soooooo…sometimes you’re angry….and sometimes you’re okay?”

    I’m CRYING laughing at this! And yes! Why do they all come from Persia?? Greasy mother fuckers.

  4. akalutts permalink
    February 9, 2010 8:55 pm

    You crack my shiz up! Love it! And, What an ass.

  5. CathyMD permalink
    February 9, 2010 8:56 pm

    For the love of….

    Seriously. Asshat.

  6. February 9, 2010 9:35 pm

    I hope he gets syphillis.

  7. dandj06 permalink
    February 10, 2010 9:37 am

    I agree with Tameka. 🙂

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