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It takes two to tango

March 5, 2010

I was devastated to hear what I feared confirmed today: Our latest attempt to beat infertility failed.

What was worse than receiving the call from my doctor’s office was placing the call to Rob shortly after. Those calls require steel balls of strength and courage – two things you can imagine are hard to muster up when you’ve just managed to pull things together from the point of hysterical sobbing to solid, unwavering strength.

I know my husband hates this just as much as I do. I know he holds his shit together because he feels responsible for being the one to help me hold my shit together. And so I know I owe him the kind of phone call that allows him to absorb the information without worrying more about comforting me than taking things in for himself.

Rob and I watched “Couples Retreat” on DVD last weekend, and we actually fist-bumped after the movie because we are so much better, so much stronger than one of the couples in the film. They are teetering on the edge of divorce because infertility has attacked their relationship, and they lose sight of each other in their battle. We fist-bumped – not because we’re better than a fictional couple – but because we can both see that route being so easy to fall down. Infertility is ROUGH.

One positive thing I can say about our own battle with infertility is that I’m pretty sure it has brought us closer together.

Before we started down this road, I would have told you that was impossible. Rob and I have known each other since we were 13 – nearly 15 years now – and we’ve been the closest of friends since we were 16. We started dating when we were 17, and there has been no other person in my life with whom I’ve been able to share every single thing.

Now, 10 years into our romantical relationship, I can’t imagine going through this with someone who didn’t compliment me as well as Rob does. He knows when to cheer me up (and how to do it), and he knows when I just need a hug – no jokes allowed.

The amount of guilt for being The Infertile One sometimes feels impossible to carry. Rob never lets me apologize for having malfunctioning reproductive parts, and he won’t hear a word about how I don’t deserve him – well-functioning and understanding and perfect.

“Danny’s Song,” by Kenny Loggins, has always been one of hope that we’ve sung along to together while slumming about the house or on one of our countless road trips. I heard it today in the mall while drowning my sorrows in a waffle cup of Cold Stone Creamery, and it took every ounce of my being to choke back the tears.

While this business of infertility sucks the Royal Suck, I am beyond blessed to be fighting the battle with my favorite person.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. March 5, 2010 6:41 pm

    This makes me happy. I mean, not the sucks 1st half, just the 2nd half.

    F & I have def. gotten closer due to the IF struggle. In the beginning I thought it might be our undoing. I’m pleased to say it’s been the opposite.

    I really, really, really hope to hear super awesome news from you two next month. I mean, really, a love as awesome as yours deserves to flourish!

  2. March 5, 2010 6:47 pm

    That sucks- there’s just no way around it. IF is rotten, but I’m glad you have such an awesome partner by your side. High school sweethearts turned husbands are good for that!

  3. March 5, 2010 9:54 pm

    It’s crazy how many parts of this I related to. I don’t think I’d survive this without J. We’re a lucky breed to have something like this bring us closer to her spouses.

    I hope it gets better. I’m praying for you.

  4. March 6, 2010 12:45 am

    This made me tear up for a lot of really personal reasons. :-\ I’m really glad you have such a strong partner in Rob to help you get through this Royal Suck. Not TTC myself, I truly and honestly have no idea what you are going through. But I do know that it is hard on you, and that makes me sad. ❤

  5. March 6, 2010 1:11 pm

    I’m sorry about the news, but I am so glad you have a great partner and a great outlook…

  6. March 6, 2010 8:10 pm

    I am so sorry that this round of treatment didn’t do it for you. It totally sucks when you find out all that work you have put in for this month didn’t pan out. Your husband sounds like a great support system. Mine is too. I hope next month is the one for you.

  7. March 6, 2010 9:00 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

  8. March 7, 2010 11:19 am

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I am keeping you both in my thoughts and in my prayers.

  9. pmarie33 permalink
    March 7, 2010 10:04 pm

    ((hugs)) You are so strong. Keeping you in my thoughts always.

  10. sarah permalink
    March 7, 2010 11:03 pm

    I love you! I know that one day you will have the most awesome little rugrat for me to spoil. :o) (And I’ll be the favorite Aunt with my Disney connections!) But in the mean time I will pray that God finds the perfect baby for you guys soon because you both deserve it so much! xoxo thinking of you!

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