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Doctors are scary

March 16, 2010

I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac, but if I end up visiting the doctor for something other than an obvious sinus/respiratory infection, I convince myself I will walk out of there with the diagnosis that puts an expiration date on my life.

You’d think I was scared out of my mind to pursue fertility testing.

Nope. Not at all.

By that point, my focus had drifted from myself to my future child(ren). Rob and I are both do-ers, and once we set a goal, we work hard to achieve it. Expanding our family is no different.

Being a good parent requires a certain amount of selflessness. You don’t have to be a parent already to realize that. I’d be just another moron if I spent all the time and effort (and WORDS – I talk a lot about this subject, yo) and wasn’t willing to be an active participant in trying to conceive, even if that means handing over all thoughts of modesty.

Going through testing can be frustrating. It can be disheartening. Unfortunately, it puts an expiration date on the attempts for some people.

For me, I have my highs and lows. It feels great to have a plan and to be up and running. It does not feel great when I fall flat on my face in the loose asphalt. And boy oh boy, I fall hard sometimes.

The hardest part is being the bum half of the equation. Rob is healthy as a prize stud horse, and I’m lucky to still evade the glue factory. I feel so often like a dead weight, and I can only take so much sympathy before it starts to have the opposite effect. What comes so easily – without any effort at all – to an obscene number of people has yet to become a reality for me, despite all the medication, monitoring, procedures and perfect timing.

I’m broken, and my husband is stuck with me.

He chose to be stuck with me, though, and chooses to remain stuck with me. Neither of us wed for breeding purposes, and neither of us – as he has pointed out in my lowest of lows, when I’ve apologized and apologized for failing as a wife – would leave for breeding purposes.

Finding out that I’m the broken half has only changed one thing for us: We’re facing our goal and know we’re doing all we can to work toward it. We already love that future child, and we work hard every day to give it the life and home it already deserves. Doctors can be scary, but in this case, I can’t get enough of them.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 17, 2010 7:18 am

    Jenny, I can tell you that when we first started TTC and we got an iffy dx w/ Ryan’s chromosomes, he thought the sames things you are thinking – that he is broken and I am stuck w/ him. But I can assure you that I (and your hubs Rob!) do not feel like that – that we are just “stuck” w/ you guys! We’d go through anything for y’all! No matter what it is!!

  2. March 17, 2010 7:29 am

    I won’t leave any sympathy for you here because I totally know what you mean about that. I think it’s great that although you feel “broken” you know Rob’s not going anywhere. I wish you two the best of luck and I’m sending good vibes your way!

  3. March 17, 2010 8:06 am

    Boy can I relate. But, you are not failing as his wife. You’re fighting the best you can against a hand you were dealt. That’s not failing at all. It sucks GIANT llama balls, but you’re not failing.

    I say this, but I have these moments too. (go ahead and take my advice, I’m not using it) Just know you’re not alone. You have a wonderful husband and an entire community of women who’ve got your back.

    Chin up, sister.

  4. onefifthfox permalink
    March 17, 2010 3:26 pm

    You are so lucky to have such a fantastic and strong guy who’s with yu through it all.

    A child would be lucky to be born into such a family 🙂



  5. Jenny permalink*
    March 19, 2010 6:42 pm

    Aw. Thanks, everyone. I tried to make this more positive, but I guess I failed. Oops! 😛

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