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Bitter side. I haz one.

March 25, 2010

Some things that run through my head lately, mostly related to my Bitter Infertilie side:

“I don’t even remember what I did before I was pregnant … mmmmm” (Garfunkel & Oates, yo)

“I want that for my husband.”

“I must be drinking the wrong water.”

“You don’t know it’s going to happen.”

“I’m glad God has you on his Good Plans list. Must be nice.”

“No shit you don’t have any experience. Want to tell me more about how you don’t have to go through what I’m going through?”

“I’m too tired to explain why I’m doing what I’m doing, so I’m just going to smile and nod at you.”

“Preeeeeegnant women are smug / Everyone knows it, nobody says it / Because they’re pregnant” (G&O, yo!)

“You’re ridiculous, but I don’t care enough to get into it.”

“When did I end up surrounded by bellies and babies? Is this the Twilight Zone?”

“Why again am I going through this?”

“Your pregnancy/baby don’t bother me. It’s you and the assinine things you say.”

“I really don’t belong here.”

“Wow. Pregnancy really brought out the ugly in her face. Well, I hope it was the pregnancy.”

“I think your fetus ate your life.”

“I miss the days when I could look at a baby/pregnant woman/mom without holding my breath and wondering if I’m going to feel sad.”

***********

Some of my thoughts are downright ugly. Some are just snarly. Some are sad. Many might make some of you judge me. Many might make Future Me want to go back into the past and kick Current Me squarely in the pants.

Whatever reactions the thoughts inspire, they’re mine – past, present, recurring – and they’re part of this journey I’m on.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Alena permalink
    March 25, 2010 9:54 pm

    I don’t know what to say…so HUGS!!!!

  2. March 25, 2010 9:55 pm

    Maybe it’s just because I’m also going thru IF, but I didn’t think any of that was unusual. I don’t think it’s ugly or snarly. Maybe a little sad, but certainly true. Ahhh, real life, in all it’s ugliness and sick beauty. 🙂 Sometimes that’s just how it is.

  3. March 25, 2010 9:56 pm

    I wish I could think of something clever or sympathetic or empathetic to say. Just… well, ((hugs)) and I think you have every right to think/feel those things. It’s part of your path, your reality, and only you know where it’s coming from and what it’s like to be you.

  4. March 25, 2010 10:06 pm

    I’m not judging and I think you can think and/or say any and all of that if you want to. And that’s all I can say b/c I don’t know anything else! Lotsa hugs though…

  5. March 25, 2010 10:21 pm

    I’m so sorry. And I don’t think this post was nasty at all. I’m with you on some of those thoughts. For sure.

    Also, I LOVE “Pregnant women are smug.” And G&O. LOVE LOVE LOVE.

  6. March 25, 2010 10:33 pm

    If our roles were reversed I know for a fact there would be some very ugly things racing around in my head..and probably out of my mouth. How you feel is how you feel. It’s not or wrong. 🙂

  7. Jenny permalink*
    March 25, 2010 10:45 pm

    ::sniffle::

    Thanks, guys. I know what I’m thinking is totally normal, but that doesn’t make it any more feel-good. I mean, who wants to have all that nastiness bouncing around in Thoughtland? Ew!

    Kristi – Dude. I’m reaching my boiling point. I’ve let some rip in certain situations, but I’m getting ready to retire my Infertility Filter and say fuck it.

  8. speed permalink
    March 26, 2010 8:02 am

    You forgot “Pregnancy really brought out the ugliness in her personality.”
    ::hugs::

    My magic wand is currently in the shop, but as soon as it’s fixed – I’m waving the hell out of that shit and fixing this mess. ::BIG HUGS::

  9. heirtoblair permalink
    March 26, 2010 8:28 am

    It wasn’t just the pregnancy that brought out the ugly in her face.

    and I love you. I love you because you’re you & because you have no reason to ever apologize for being that.

  10. March 26, 2010 8:37 am

    I’m pretty sure you have every right to think those things. This is your reality, if people want to judge you for being snarky or mean, that’s their problem.

  11. Vivian permalink
    March 26, 2010 5:44 pm

    You, my dear, have every right to think and feel these things. I’m so so sorry that there is even a reason for any of it to ever cross your mind. I need to activate my Go Go Gadget Arms and give you a great big hug!!!

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