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And another thing

April 2, 2010

My last entry took a positive spin, and I completely forgot to throw in these not-so-nice feelings, so, as Mario would say: Here we go!

Failure after failure after failure after failure hurts, but it also rips open a wound I keep trying to heal. Each cycle, I hope for a positive end and a way to finally put to rest that first medicated cycle, the one in which we succeeded. For six days. Each failure is a reminder of how we got close that one time and still can’t even get that close again – five months later. I could be nearing the end of my second trimester, but instead, I’m still not even pregnant – not even just a little bit.

That stings. Unbelievably so.

Also, this last cycle was our last chance for an on-time 2010 baby. Of course, babies are born premature all the time, but why would I hope for that, if only to hang onto having a 2010 baby?

So losing our 2010 baby hopes. That stings. Unbelievably so.

But a break? I need it. You see why.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 2, 2010 11:10 am

    Sometimes I wonder if you live in my brain. I too understand all too well what it is you’re going through.

    A break can be a very good opportunity. I have taken a couple of them myself. My only advice is to truly allow yourself a break. The first time I took a month off, I really just went through the motions. I said we were taking a break, and I wanted to, but I never really let myself let it go. It’s HARD. When your mind is going 24/7 and it is all you can think about, how do you shut that off? I wish I had the answer. I wish I could take a little bit of the frustration, pain, and anguish away.

    Take the time and try to find yourself again. That is the only blessing I’ve been given in the last 20 months. I have reengaged with old friends, focused on my work, done things I love (travel, softball, reading) and found time for my passion (photography). It really hasn’t been until the last couple of weeks that I really feel like MYSELF. So it will take time, but give yourself the time you need. Give yourself an opportunity to regain YOU, collect your thoughts, and refresh.

    I am pulling for you. I know that we don’t ‘know’ each other, but you have my email if you ever want to talk. Even if you just need an outlet to bitch to someone who gets it.

  2. onefifthfox permalink
    April 2, 2010 4:05 pm

    Know where ya comin’ from with this. It sucks, knowing you managed it, and then can’t do it again. It’s exhausting all this hoping and being defeated. It will happen, eventually. But it takes time, and you need to be fully healed emotionally to stand up to this pain.



  3. mmariluh permalink
    April 2, 2010 4:56 pm

    I understand what you’re saying. I do. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope for nothing but the best for you.


  4. April 2, 2010 9:06 pm

    ((hugs)) I’m sorry. A break sounds like just what you need.

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