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Ready? Break!

April 2, 2010

I’m tired, Internet. I’m so tired. I’m tired of failing at trying to make a baby. I’m tired of the pills. I’m tired of the how-do-you-do ultrasounds. I’m tired of the injections. I’m tired of handing over money to the RE and having nothing but pain to show for it. I’m tired of these perfectly timed cycles always ending on a Friday, ruining the awesome that is Friday. I’m. Just. Tired.

After not-a-lot-of discussion (which helps make this decision feel more right), Rob and I decided to take at least one cycle off the nose-to-the-grindstone business of infertility. No RE visits, no fertility drugs, no pressure.

I don’t ovulate on my own, and I still need to talk with my doctor about what would be best for me, but I want to go as med-free as possible. I don’t want to take birth control to prevent me from downward spiraling when my body starts missing the progesterone that ovulation produces – not that I don’t want to prevent that downward spiral, but what if? What if my body – FOR ONCE – decides to act as I’m told it was designed, as so many other bodies act without someone telling it what to do?

It’s a big What If, but I’m willing to try it out, if only to feel like I’m not entirely not-trying to make a baby.

So we shall see on that front.

Other than trying to be med free, I have other things I miss that I haven’t had the brain capacity or ability for along with all the infertility crap.

I want to get back to eating right – for me, that mean a low-GI diet. That’s kind of the opposite of the Old Wive’s Tale Diet for Making Babies, which includes pomegranate juice (sugar!) and pineapple core (LOTS OF SUGAR).

A diet of low-GI foods isn’t nearly as fun as eating potatoes and ice cream, but you know what? I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER when I have my carbs under control. I actually can’t wait to cut the sugar and get back to feeling like a normal person instead of a CarbMonster who is sluggish.

I want to get back into a good workout regimen. I fell off that horse with some emo-ness, and I haven’t gotten back on. I keep thinking, “What if I get into a good routine and then am too afraid to continue, two weeks in, if I find out I’m pregnant?” (not entirely rational, but SHUT UP, I THINK THAT.) Anyone will tell you those first two weeks of a new workout regimen are the hardest, so I’m too lazy scared nervous hopeful hesitant to even start.

Plus, when I’m feeling emo, I’d rather sit and mope. Or play Wii. Or sleep.

I want to read a book. My brain has been ALL OVER the damn place with all the infertility stuff bouncing around in my head. I just can’t concentrate enough to read more than two pages at a time. This does not get books read. I’ve been working on ONE book for more than a month now, and I’m only on chapter three.

Finally, I need something positive in my life, more than just the day-to-day awesome that is the people in my life.

Rob and I recently got a great opportunity (through Rob’s connections) to make over our kitchen for around $500. We spend nearly that much out of pocket each cycle with the RE, so instead of spending it at the doctor this month (or saving it, which you might say is smarter), we’re going to put it toward making our kitchen better fit us.

I AM SO EXCITED, INTERNET. We’re getting some new cabinets, putting in a tile backsplash … it’s going to be so fun. And? I’m going to get to store my kitchen stuff IN MY KITCHEN and not in the guest-room closet. AMAZING.

We’re raising most of our existing cabinets and installing a floating shelf at the height of what’s currently the bottom of the cabinets. Some cabinets will be entirely replaced because there’s no way to add to them. I’m still a little not-so-clear on all the exact details, but I promise to document the progress and keep you updated on everything.


I’m sad that I failed again. Of course I am. But I’m not as sad in the past. It’s not that I expected it, but I’m becoming quite numb to the failure. That isn’t good. That tells me I’m too far down and need a breather.

I’m worried that taking time off is telling the world, Mother Nature, God, that I’m over it and that I’m throwing in the towel. That isn’t the case. I just need a break, and I need to get my feet back under me.

Mainly, I feel good about our decision to step back. It feels like a sigh of relief, and I just hope it doesn’t turn out to be a mistake in which I have Serious Issues from letting my body do its own thing.

Internet? I want to thank you for being there for me through all this. You make something that is so hard so much easier to face. You make me feel like I am doing something positive with my negative – sharing it with you, which makes the negative that much easier.

Thank you for that.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. dandj06 permalink
    April 2, 2010 10:22 am

    I wish I could just get in a car, come down, drink iced coffee with you and give you a hug. ❤

  2. April 2, 2010 10:26 am

    I feel like I should say something but I don’t know what. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but do I know I understand the feeling of your body not doing what it’s made to do. It’s frustrating and hard and I admire you – tons! Enjoy your new kitchen and the lovely weekend XO

  3. April 2, 2010 7:59 pm

    The new kitchen sounds SO AWESOME! I would be excited too.

    I like that you’re very conscious of the ways that your overall quality of life is impacted by what you’re dealing with and that you’re not putting the blinders on and sacrificing all of the things that make you you to achieve “the goal” asap. I think that’s important. There are many parts of your life and this is one of them but not the only one. I personally think it’s great that you’re treating it as such. Yeah it’s a huge part, but that doesn’t negate the importance of the other things that make up your life.

    Hugs. Again.


  1. Tough times « What the blog?

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