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Dear God 2.0

April 5, 2010

Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.

Dear God,

Well, I guess you do have the Internet. I once told a friend you didn’t. Apparently you have the Internet AND you read my blog.

Color me surprised.

God? I asked where you were last Thursday. On Friday, I felt at peace with our decision to take a break. On Saturday, I still hadn’t been visited by the Red Lady of Doom, so I took a home pregnancy test.

POSITIVE!

God, I took that test in the Target bathroom and couldn’t run to my car fast enough to I could commence the shaking, tearful mess and full-on SHRIEKING when I called Rob to yell (not tell) him the amazing news.

God, you read my blog, and you changed our plans on Saturday.

Unfortunately, the lab monkeys (I say that with love, but only a little – they stab me a lot) were already gone for the holiday by the time I got to the office on Saturday, and they wouldn’t be back till Monday.

Today.

So Rob and I celebrated. He celebrated with great caution. I was over the moon. Ecstatic. Surely this is the baby we’ve been waiting for.

Today, I had my blood drawn to check my hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels.

I spent the day daydreaming about high numbers, so high we’d be on the edges of our seats for weeks guessing if we were having one or two babies (or more, though GAH! SCARY!).

God, you’ve gone and done it again.

My levels came back at 8.7.

And with those four syllables, eight point seven, my hopes and dreams came crashing down. Again.

The nurse sounded sympathetic with a side of negative. She said the levels could rise. Anything is possible.

Sure. Anything.

I had one pregnancy test left from the box of Clearblue Digitals I bought yesterday. The test yesterday proclaimed “PREGNANT.”

Today? “NOT PREGNANT.”

Physically, I feel no different.

Mentally and emotionally, I’m conflicted.

I should have thrown that test away; I shouldn’t have used it. But I did. I wanted to see those happy words and hang onto hope that maybe the lab messed up my results. Maybe … anything but this.

God, why?

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY?

I’m not interested in being a poster child for faith in you through infertility. I’m all for being positive and supportive and encouraging to others by being faithful, but no one is going to fall for it as faith if you keep pulling these cruel jokes on me and Rob. They’re just going to think I’m insane. Why love someone who teases you with what you want most and then yanks it away?

God, what I don’t get the most right now is why you have done this to me again.

I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU.

I was AT PEACE with the negative results of this cycle. I WAS OK WITH TAKING A BREAK. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t uncontrollably sad.

I WAS AT PEACE.

And then I saw that positive test. And another. And another. And God? I WAS JOYFUL. I was at peace. I was excited. I had a great feeling about this pregnancy and the gift of life you had blessed us with. I’ve thanked you more times than I could count these last three days.

And now this.

The rage, despair, helplessness, SHEER FUCKING ANGER I feel right now is indescribable. I can’t put into words how it just felt to punch the closet door and scream until my throat hurt and I feared my neighbors would break down my door to stop me from being murdered.

I go back for more bloodwork on Wednesday and have prescription progesterone to take until then, when the blood will definitively tell us positive or negative.

But why?

God, when I asked where you were, I didn’t expect a good-news answer. I wasn’t asking for a good-news answer. And I sure as shit didn’t expect a HA! I FOOLED YOU WITH THAT GOOD NEWS! TAKE THAT FOR QUESTIONING ME, HUMAN! answer.

What did I expect? I expected peace over my decision to take a break or a feeling of urgency to try at least one more time.

I didn’t expect you to give me a taste of becoming a parent once again, only to have it taken away. Again.

I hope I one day see why you’re doing this to me. Why taking a break wasn’t good enough. Why trying one more time wasn’t good enough. Because right now, I just don’t get it. I don’t get you.

Jenny

p.s. Blog readers – no Project 365 today. I’m not going to document my splotchy, tear-streaked face, and I don’t feel like faking something cheerful with pictures of flowers or something dumb like that. Use your imagination for today’s Project 365.

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37 Comments leave one →
  1. April 5, 2010 5:56 pm

    There are no words that can do justice to the sorrow I feel for you right now. And the anger and frustration I share. We don’t know each other very well but I feel your pain, your anger and your sadness. I am just so effing sorry it’s not even funny. *hugs*

  2. Alena permalink
    April 5, 2010 6:01 pm

    I have no words, I have no idea what to say! If I werethere I’d hug you…but right now I’m not sure that would even be enough!

  3. April 5, 2010 6:05 pm

    Oh no, oh no, oh no 😦 That is a terribly awful thing to go through. I’m so, so sorry.

  4. Jenny permalink
    April 5, 2010 6:24 pm

    I have no words that can truly express how truly sad I am for you right now. I’m praying for you everyday.
    much love dear.

  5. April 5, 2010 6:37 pm

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I can’t even offer wisdom though I’ve been through it myself because really as everyone has said, there are no words. I have asked the same questions and continue to ride the roller coaster and it sucks more than monica lewinsky.

    Big hugs.

  6. speed permalink
    April 5, 2010 6:40 pm

    ::hugs::
    ::hugs::
    ::HUGS::
    It’s just…not right.
    :::::::::::HUGS:::::::::

  7. April 5, 2010 6:44 pm

    I’m crying with you, praying for you and I have you in my thoughts.

    There are no words I could say to make this better. I know that.

    I will only say that I thank you. I thank you for sharing your story. For the eloquence that I lack and for the sheer power of your words.

  8. Beth Anne permalink
    April 5, 2010 6:57 pm

    It’s not right. It’s not fair.

    I love you.

  9. Laura permalink
    April 5, 2010 6:59 pm

    I am so hurt and so angry this is happening to you. I too have had words with God about this. I’m pissed as hell. If I didn’t have the FAB I would drive just to give you hugs tomorrow—hugs and ice-cream.

  10. thenextmartha permalink
    April 5, 2010 7:03 pm

    I feel sadness for you and hope that god will answer you soon in a way that might make sense. I am hopeful that god created all these man made miracles for you and your husbands future.

  11. April 5, 2010 7:20 pm

    Jenny,
    I do not know you IRL and I just started following you via your blog- which I linked from the infamous Blair. But I want to tell you since the day I first read your blog, I have been praying for you. I have been praying for you a lot. While I do not know the pain of IF, I know the pain of loosing a child. And I have nothing to say but that I wish I could give you a large hug, one that seems to last forever so that you would know that you are not alone in your battle. You have a world cheering for you. And we have the same ups and downs (but on a much smaller scale because I could never imagine the pain you are going through inside) with you. Please know I am here for you and praying for you all the time.
    God bless you Jenny and your trials.

  12. rustysgirl permalink
    April 5, 2010 7:23 pm

    I wish I could tell you it will be alright. I wish I could tell you that this is for a good reason. I can’t. I can tell you that you have an amazing group of online friends that are here for you. I can also tell you that we love your face, even if it is tear-stained and blotchy.

  13. April 5, 2010 7:25 pm

    I am so sad for you. I am also so mad for you. I feel like punching something for you. It’s not fair. It’s sucks. It makes me sick that you have to go through this heartbreak. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

  14. Ally permalink
    April 5, 2010 8:01 pm

    This completely sucks. I am so so sorry.

    ::hugs:: x a million

  15. April 5, 2010 8:03 pm

    Oh my darling girl. Oh no.

    I am so very, very sorry.

    I believe that you deserve this dream and I continue to pray that you get it.

    I love that you talk to Him even when you’re angry. So many people are afraid to, or that being angry with him means turning your back on him. He knows that love includes all emotions within it; disappointment, anger, rage and yes, the inexplicable confusion and bewilderment.

    I pray for you, my darling girl, who I enjoy so much from afar. I pray that he makes his plan known to you sooner rather than later. I pray that it be a damn good one.

    I also pray that your dog forget how to open your locked garbage can and spread garbage all over the floor.

    You know, while I’m praying for stuff.

    So many hugs.
    Mae

    • April 5, 2010 8:06 pm

      Um, shit. I also pray that He not smite me for forgetting to capitalize all of my Hims and Hes.

  16. Vivian permalink
    April 5, 2010 8:06 pm

    Oh Sweetie, I am so so sorry! I’m crying for you! I know there is nothing I can say to make it any better and I hate that. I know how hard it is to keep your faith. I really think I’ve already lost mine. Although I know this time is difficult, hard, downright sucktastic, I envy your strength and faith. I love you girl and am here for you 100%. {{{HUGS}}}

  17. April 5, 2010 8:17 pm

    I’m so sorry! I know you’re pain first hand. We suffered from infertility due to PCOS but we were fortunate that the meds eventually worked. But they worked when we least expected it! Don’t give up hope!

  18. April 5, 2010 8:41 pm

    What? This is so not fair!

    ::hugs::

  19. Carrie permalink
    April 5, 2010 9:08 pm

    I am so very, very sorry. What a cruel & painful thing to be put through.
    My thoughts, hugs and prayers are with you.

  20. not important permalink
    April 5, 2010 9:11 pm

    So sorry.

  21. April 5, 2010 9:41 pm

    😦

  22. April 5, 2010 10:00 pm

    Oh, Jenny, I’m sorry. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment. My heart hurts for you right now, I wish there was something I could do.

    ::hugs::

    I hope that someday soon you have your answers.

  23. beth permalink
    April 5, 2010 10:05 pm

    Such a sad post- I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this again. There is definitely a lot of injustice in this world, but it seems like you have had enough already. Hang in there any way you guys can 😦

  24. April 5, 2010 10:12 pm

    Keep the faith.

    ((HUGS))

  25. April 5, 2010 10:22 pm

    I don’t even know what to say except I’m sorry. 😦 Oh and it sucks hard core! I say a quick prayer every time I see your picture on twitter. Wish I could give you a hug, but my arms won’t reach through the computer screen.

  26. April 5, 2010 10:34 pm

    My heart is just breaking for you. I just not right. I wish there was something I could say to help heal your wounds. I’m so, so sorry. *hugs*

  27. jvonwallenstein permalink
    April 6, 2010 8:03 am

    Oh, Jenny. I am so so sorry for your loss. I wish I could hug you in person. ((hugs))

  28. April 6, 2010 9:59 am

    😦
    but i’m still keeping my fingers crossed. seriously.

  29. April 6, 2010 10:39 am

    My wife forwarded this post to me and I am commenting under her name, so if you get another comment from the same name it’s her. I pray every day for childless couples to be blessed with the gift of a child conceived through the love of the two. I too am waiting for my prayer to be answered in the affirmative. It is emotionally and spiritually taxing, and my heart aches for you as it aches for us.

    As this is the first I’ve heard of your blog, I don’t know anything else about you or your faith. If you are Christian then the following will be familiar; if you are not a Christian then try and look at it from merely a philosophical sense or metaphor – and hopefully it can assuage some of your pain.

    The only solace I can find while I wait for our good news is in looking to the cross and knowing that Jesus understands my suffering because he suffered too, although on a much grander scale. I look to the cross and try to understand that the greatest evil ever perpetrated was in a Creator made flesh being put to death by his creatures – yet even this greatest evil brought the greatest good – the eternal salvation for mankind.

    I can’t explain or come to terms with pain, evil, injustice, etc. in any other way than that God allows it only for a greater good to come from it. And, as you said, none of us naturally desire to be that sacrificial lamb that is offered up to be the poster of faith for others who might think us insane for our dedication in the face of such cruel events as a false-positive or the erosion of hope, bit by bit, every month. On the contrary, our nature desires happiness and we have an unlimited appetite for it in both range and depth – and we suffer through frustration when that happiness is deterred and/or delayed. Our frustration is not merely in the lack of attainment, but also in the lack of understanding of why our lack of attainment is eternally important in the grand scheme. With that I take solace in remembering that we all are just specks of dust in the eternal cosmos but that God loves each speck of dust so much that he would suffer for us.

    I hope these words can give you some comfort. It is indeed a despairing tribulation and I will think of you and Rob as I offer up my prayer each day. I hope it is answered for you affirmatively as I hope it will be for us, and as well for all who desire the same joy we so ardently desire.

    God bless,

    Mr. Harfro

  30. April 6, 2010 10:57 am

    I’m so incredibly sorry. I wish there were something, anything, that I could say to make this suck slightly less for you 😦

  31. renaemull permalink
    April 6, 2010 2:45 pm

    Just so stinking sad for you. There’s not much like the feeling of elation that turns almost instantly into despair. It just sucks. Thinking of you.

  32. April 6, 2010 4:41 pm

    Oh I’m so, so sorry. I have no other words. This just sucks. Big e-hugs.

  33. April 7, 2010 9:32 am

    I am so sorry 😦
    I wish I had something better to say.

  34. twicethesparkle permalink
    April 7, 2010 9:42 am

    I am so sorry. My heart soared with yours…and then sank. But still it flutters with hope. I’ll be praying for you.

  35. April 7, 2010 5:57 pm

    ((hugs)) This sucks.

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