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The end

April 7, 2010

The results are in. My hormone levels confirm this pregnancy is ending/has ended. I now have two chemical pregnancies under my belt and am back to waiting on a clinical pregnancy, one that ends with a baby in my arms.

“Chemical, clinical?” you ask. “Does that mean you weren’t really pregnant?” you ask.

First, a chemical pregnancy is what all pregnancies are considered until a heartbeat can be detected. That’s when the pregnancy is then clinically documented, thus being called a clinical pregnancy. The only reason to differentiate between the two is when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage.

If a pregnancy ends in miscarriage before a heartbeat can be detected, it is diagnosed as a chemical pregnancy. The pregnancy didn’t thrive long enough to graduate, so it keeps its original moniker. The pregnancy was only able to be confirmed by testing urine and/or blood before it ended in miscarriage.

A chemical pregnancy is a real pregnancy. Losing a pregnancy in such early stages isn’t as physically difficult as losing a pregnancy once it’s clinical (after a heartbeat) because the woman’s body hasn’t had as much time to build an environment for what won’t develop into a baby. Likewise, it’s far less difficult to tear down a house if you only have four walls. Once you add interior walls, a second floor, etc., the job of tearing down a house takes more time and effort.

A chemical pregnancy just barely builds the exterior walls.

So, yes. I was really pregnant.

No, I didn’t misread three home pregnancy tests.

No, three home pregnancy tests weren’t wrong.

Yes, my doctor’s office confirmed that we had conceived a rapidly dividing ball of cells.

No, that ball of cells did not develop as it should.

Yes, it hurts.

Yes, I already had dreams for my future family.

No, I’m not crazy.

No, my infertile brain didn’t trick my body into thinking it was pregnant because

Yes, I really was pregnant.

Now I’m not.

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33 Comments leave one →
  1. April 7, 2010 6:24 pm

    ::hugs:: I’m so sorry for your loss 😦

  2. April 7, 2010 6:25 pm

    I really am without words. I can only imagine how difficult this struggle has been for you & I am hoping for a happy ending & soon. ❀

  3. speed permalink
    April 7, 2010 6:39 pm

    To quote the Calvin cartoon. “Stupid world.”

    • speed permalink
      April 7, 2010 6:40 pm

      And, I forgot to add ::hugs::

  4. lindsey permalink
    April 7, 2010 6:44 pm

    There are no words that can make this any different. none. I have been in your shoes and know that a hug and some tears is al that’s going to make you feel “better”, well and some chocolate, new shoes, and flowers πŸ™‚ The bright side of all this is that you have two angel babies waiting for you and Heaven. xoxo

  5. April 7, 2010 6:54 pm

    I have no words. I am so very sorry for you loss.

  6. Carrie permalink
    April 7, 2010 6:55 pm

    So, so, so very sorry for your loss. You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Beth Anne permalink
    April 7, 2010 7:18 pm

    I’m so sorry.

  8. Laura permalink
    April 7, 2010 7:25 pm

    Sending lots and lots of hugs and even more prayers.

    xoxo

  9. April 7, 2010 7:35 pm

    😦 I’m so very sorry for you and Rob. Praying for a happy beginning soon.

  10. Alena permalink
    April 7, 2010 8:23 pm

    I am so sorry!! Praying and praying!

  11. sarah permalink
    April 7, 2010 8:38 pm

    Hugs – so very sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you and Rob and the growth of your already beautiful family.

  12. April 7, 2010 8:40 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss Jenny.

  13. Vivian permalink
    April 7, 2010 9:03 pm

    I’m so so sorry Sweetie! I want to run down there and give you a great big hug! Soon! I’m probably coming that way on Saturday. I would love to buy you a cup of coffee and lend my ear if you want. BIG HUGS!!

  14. April 7, 2010 9:07 pm

    ::hugs::

  15. pmarie33 permalink
    April 7, 2010 10:30 pm

    It’s not fair.

  16. April 7, 2010 10:31 pm

    Yes, you absolutely were pregnant and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise can suck it and then just GTFO. Huge hugs to you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  17. April 7, 2010 10:33 pm

    Big big hugs.

  18. April 7, 2010 10:59 pm

    I’m so sorry. I want to tell you hugs and that I love you. But that’s weird, right? Because I don’t really know you. But you’re my internet friend and you are fabulous and I feel like I know you. So bug hugs and I “e-love” you girl!

  19. sarah permalink
    April 7, 2010 11:42 pm

    I love you Jenny! I’m so sorry!

  20. mmariluh permalink
    April 7, 2010 11:49 pm

    Excellent Post.

  21. April 7, 2010 11:52 pm

    Life. Is. A. Bitch.

  22. April 8, 2010 6:56 am

    I’m so sorry.
    ((hugs))

  23. April 8, 2010 9:16 am

    I’m so so sorry Jenny. And I’m sorry that it appears you have had to deal with people asking you if you were really pregnant. That is horrible and ignorant and tactless and they suck. I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts, as always.

  24. April 8, 2010 10:16 am

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

  25. H&W permalink
    April 8, 2010 10:50 am

    I’m so sorry, Jenny.

  26. LeeAnn permalink
    April 8, 2010 12:28 pm

    A friend sent me a link to your blog a couple weeks ago and I have been reading ever since. I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry for what you and your husband are going through.

  27. April 8, 2010 1:15 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You and Rob are in my thoughts.

  28. April 8, 2010 5:56 pm

    😦 I’m so sorry, friend.

  29. April 8, 2010 6:38 pm

    Nicely done. And I am sorry for your loss (((HUGS)))

  30. Alpaca permalink
    April 9, 2010 11:23 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 10w5d after seeing my baby’s heartbeat 3 different times. Right after that I had a chemical pregnancy and nobody acknowledged it. Nobody (well not IRL anyway, my nesties did :)) Everyone gave me those same lines about ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ ‘it wasn’t a real pregnancy yet’, blah, blah, blah. All that crap. Well it still hurt my heart, it still ripped away all of my dreams I had for that baby and my family. It was like being kicked when I was down, kicked hard and repeatedly. Yes I maybe was only technically pregnant for a week, but once I saw that positive pregnancy test I knew I had a baby growing inside of me. My baby that I wanted to bring home and share a life with, that I would watch graduate from college someday. The second you see those two pink lines your life changes forever and I guess people who have never seen the lines and then not brought home a baby, they just don’t get it. People say a lot of stupid mindless things that can really hurt. I’m sorry you had to hear those things. I understand your pain and saddness and I’m always here for you if you need to talk, e-mail me anytime! (((BIG HUGS)))

  31. VCorningstone permalink
    April 10, 2010 4:07 pm

    Oh, Jenny.
    My heart just breaks for you. I have read your recent posts about your failed cycle and subsequent joy over a bfp, only to have it ripped so unfairly from your arms. I’ve tried to think of the right words to say, only to find myself staring at a keyboard with a blank screen in front of me. Honestly, I have no words. No words that I feel could do justice to what I am truly feeling inside for you.

    I know life is so very unfair.

    It’s actually quite cruel sometimes.

    I wish there was some type of explanation for why bad things happen to good people, but nothing could truly ever suffice.

    Please know that you are not taking this journey alone. You have support from people who have walked in those very painful shoes and from those who may not understand your struggle, but still want to offer whatever comfort they can. A hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on. An open ear.

    I know your pain. The never ending cruelty of having your heart’s desire so close, but so far. The pain rips you apart, but it builds up your strength. I’ve seen it in your writing. I’ve read your tears, but can still see the unwavering courage you possess. And that courage will keep you going even on the darkest of days, days that make you want to stay in bed with the covers pulled tightly over your head.

    You WILL overcome IF my friend. You will drop kick that b*tch out of your life, and Oh what a day that will be. Don’t ever lose sight of that future, no matter how down you feel right now. That future is why you keep fighting, why you keep putting yourself through the fertility drugs, the numerous doctor’s appointments, the 2ww.

    In the meantime, many of us are here for you, thinking of your struggle and praying for the outcome you so richly deserve.

  32. onefifthfox permalink
    April 11, 2010 12:31 pm

    Oh hun, I’m so sorry 😦

    (((hugs)))

    xxx

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