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Today was difficult

April 14, 2010

I’ve been trying lately to come up with a list of ways I’m a better person now than I was before Rob and I started down this path of Fertility Gloom And Doom.

It isn’t going so well.

I try telling myself that I’m a better friend to those who are putting every ounce of their being into making their dreams come true, who are suffering through pain and difficulties to make their dreams come true, who are trying to make their dreams come true when so many tell them to quit.

I try telling myself I’m more compassionate.

I try telling myself I’m more patient.

I try telling myself I’ve helped others with something I would have felt helpless with in the past.

I try telling myself Rob and I understand each other on a whole different level – pretty amazing, considering we’ve been in each other’s lives for 15 years.

I try telling myself I’ve learned the value of having friends on which to lean.

I try telling myself I’ve definitely, without a doubt, felt the power of prayer.

I try telling myself I am stronger than ever before.

But then there are days like today. Moments, really. They’re the ones that sneak up on me and smack me on the back of the head, throwing me down onto the ground, face first.

Today I was reading a book to a friend’s little girl. Suddenly, the thought creeped into my head: I’ve already lost two pregnancies. When will I get to share my love of books with my own little one? Will it happen?

I pushed the thought aside and kept reading about Peter Rabbit, choking back the tears and forcing myself to make my voice strong and clear.

Then I started the next book, one I’ve read so many times before: “Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse” by Kevin Henkes. In it, Lilly gets mad at her teacher and does something mean. Her teacher slips a note into her purple plastic purse that she discovers on her way home from school:

“Today was difficult.
Tomorrow will be better.”

One thing I’m slowly learning to accept is that sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. I have difficult days. Oh, boy I really do. But instead of feeling guilty, trying to change things and worrying about getting rid of the bad/sad/mad mood, I’m learning to embrace it. The bad days are part of this journey, too, after all.

Today was difficult. Tomorrow will be better.

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. everam01 permalink
    April 14, 2010 10:14 pm

    Thanks. I needed that. xoxo

  2. Emilee permalink
    April 14, 2010 10:17 pm

    Yesterday dealt me some really sad moments. I know your pain and your heavy heart…. I am lifting you up when I have the ability to believe in prayer ( which lately isn’t often…) and hope that you won’t know this suffering for long. Love you long time xoxox

  3. Laura permalink
    April 14, 2010 10:20 pm

    Big hugs for a better day tomorrow. I love you friend.
    xoxo

  4. April 14, 2010 10:21 pm

    Yes. This hurts. It’s hard. Grief has its own time; it will never be rushed. We can only ride it like a wave. There’s no guilt anywhere in there. The difficult days are what they are; tomorrow will be better.

    Go gentle.

  5. Snowflake permalink
    April 14, 2010 10:21 pm

    yeah it is.. very interesting post it was very compassionate and moving. And I’m sorry about your loses. But like you said “Today was difficult, Tomorrow will be better” =]

    Ajaja FIGHTING! (korean saying meaning keep strong)

  6. April 14, 2010 10:27 pm

    Until tomorrow. 🙂

  7. speed permalink
    April 15, 2010 8:12 am

    I think we can all work that message into our repertoire. I hope tomorrow is better, and the next day better still. ::hugs::

  8. April 15, 2010 12:36 pm

    A spade is a spade.

    & you are all those things listed above, even before this journey.

    love you forever, until we’re frolicking in Heaven with Jesus & sipping gin & tonics in fields of daisies.

    Also, I just wrote down that quote in my journal. & highlighted it.

  9. April 15, 2010 12:37 pm

    Hug and a half.

  10. Beth S permalink
    April 15, 2010 12:48 pm

    I read that last night and I’m hoping that today is truly your better tomorrow. Wishing you the best.

  11. Sarah permalink
    April 15, 2010 1:43 pm

    So perfectly said Jenny – hugs and love.

  12. April 15, 2010 4:18 pm

    I think you are all of those things and more. This post was appropriately timed for me, so thank you for that.

    As always, I wish you the best of luck and pray that one day you will have what your heart desires, one way or another.

    (hugs)

  13. April 15, 2010 4:39 pm

    Love it Jenny. I think I need to make that my motto ..

  14. April 15, 2010 8:29 pm

    I just found your blog and it made me tear up because I totally I have days like that. Sometimes more often than not. And it’s true, some days are difficult and some days are better. 🙂

  15. April 16, 2010 8:48 pm

    I really like that quote–I’ll have to remember it.

    Those moments sure are difficult. They take you by surprise and can turn a great day upside down on it’s ass. I just want to tell you that I think you are awesome. And tomorrow will be better.

  16. Alpaca permalink
    April 20, 2010 5:59 pm

    I love that book. 🙂

    I agree, there are just shitty hard days, and sometimes you just can’t hide it. I put on a happy face for my family a lot after my miscarriages, and it wasn’t easy to do. Now I just wish I had said it like it was and let them into my world of hurt and saddness. And this journey that grief is, its a long one, a hard one, with many twists and turns. Unfortunately, it goes on and on for a long time. Sometimes my path leads through a sunny meadow for days, weeks, or even months. But then I hit a patch paved with sharp rocks, or one that takes me through a thunderstorm, and it feels like I’m right back at the beginning. Even with all of the joy and beauty I have in my life right now, the grief I feel for losing my babies is always going to be a part of me. Just recently I’ve been embracing that, realizing that I can have joy and also have my moments, days, or even weeks where my grief weighs heavy on my heart, where my face looks sad and tears do fall. Sometimes I hate this journey, I hate that I have to be on it, that there is NO choice in the matter for me. I’d rather not have to walk the broken road, but I can lay down and die or I can get up and keep going. On those bad days you just have to tell yourself exactly what you already said, tomorrow will be better. And it can be, and it will be.

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