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What if? (pt. 2)

April 29, 2010

National Infertility Awareness Week is on the down side of the hill, but there is still so much to say while I have a banner under which to be more than a normal infertility fighter.

When I was choosing my What If? prompt, I sailed right past one question that just didn’t fit me: “What if I never get to do all the things I’ve put on hold in my life for ‘once I get pregnant’?”

I looked right over the prompt because I didn’t think anything had been put on hold. We’re still living. We’re still doing things. We’re renovating our kitchen, for crying out loud!

But wait.

Cortney wrote her own What If entry on this prompt, and what she said made me slap my forehead.

I lost my job on our first medicated cycle, and instead of switching CAREERS, I starting caring for a friend’s daughter. It was a great opportunity for me and my friend. Her wee one would get to stay at home, and I wouldn’t have to deal with office stress and restrictions while hormonally cycling my brains out.

It’s great, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have a more accommodating work environment, but I thought for sure by now that I’d be preparing for my own child and thinking about what steps I’d soon take when I can return to work and make a career switch.

The time away from working on a career was/is supposed to only be a small blip on the radar of my life.

That blip gets bigger each month. It’s practically a bloop.

My career isn’t where the “on hold” stops.

Rob and I haven’t traveled to visit family or friends in our hometown/state (or elsewhere) because Rob’s vacation time is reserved for doctor visits and time at home with a (not-yet-conceived) baby; travel money is paying for meds and copays; and we have to be in town on essential cycle days.

My wardrobe is dwindling of fresh-looking, not over-worn clothes, but I refuse to buy new clothes because what if this cycle is it? What if I’ll need maternity clothes soon and then have wasted money on new clothes I might never wear enough to make the purchase worth it?

All these things completely escaped my brain because these rationalizations have become my new normal. I’ve become accustomed to making “What if this cycle is it?” rule my decisions. How did infertility put my life on hold without me even realizing it? Why are our lives a broken record of “maybe this cycle?”

Infertility. It sucks. Pass it on.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2010 12:37 am

    I just wanna hug you. Seriously.

  2. April 30, 2010 3:48 pm

    well Said Jenny, there are so many what ifs we could do a post about them every single of the year and still not be at a loss for material

    IF does, indeed, suck. *hug*

  3. emilee permalink
    May 1, 2010 11:43 am

    this is exactly why we had to finally stop. it was three years of groundhog day for us. what if, what if, what if… our life, our finances, our family, our vacation and our marriage had all become situated around our infertility. it is a very long road back to “normal” and a road we may never reach….

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